Jewel - Jupiter (Swallow The Moon) (Video)

This is one of my favorite songs, my third to be exact. I love it and even though I was attached to this song before I met mi amor it perfectly describes my affection for him and our love. Its just that every word or phrase we've used to explain our feelings for one another nothing seems to actually communicate it. I've never been one to be at a loss for words, but I am when it comes to explaining how I feel about him. I absorb him, he's my breath and my life.

Way away on a scraped my knee plane.....

So yeah, I never update this thing really much! Mmmm.....there's alot of shit to talk about and update but I really don't feel like it. Oh except for the fact that I'm married now. Yeah LONG story. We did it bass ackward as I do so many things in life, now, I'm planning my wedding.....lol yeah well that's about all I wanna say except for the fact that I really fucking love him. I love my hippy, he saved me from my ex, he saved me from the streets, he saved me from myself when I couldn't. So I wanna save him....in the true spirit of the American way, I'll fix the splinter in your eye before I pull out my own! lol We're perfectly uncoordinated and mosaicly in sync with one another.

Srick ur finger up ur ass AND SWIRL IT BITCH!!!

Ok so this is wuts been up wit me lately. My parental is currently the immediate and sole source of my misery, well her and my girlfriend, and her wanting to meet my girlfriend. Oh geeze my girlfriend, she's giving me two weeks to get my shit packed up so that she and I can move in together, for the past what now, THREE YEARS I have been waiting to move in with my baby and now that its actually gonna happen I'm conflicted and I have so many "if's" to consider. Its total fuckin bullshit I swear. I really need to move out, especially since my parental has not only taken to calling me ever dirty word she can even concieve to call me but she's begun to use me as her fuckin punchin bag again. I mean I'm not dramatic or any shit like that cuz I kno that there are people out there dealing with worse shit but I really don't feel like sticking around for this bullshit again, I just don't feel I have to. SHIT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO!!! oh well I G2G this is tbc....

GODDAMNIT I AINT OJIBWAY BITCH!!

I don't feel like giving a history lesson, which is something that I often do. Although I actually find it quite pleasing during sex...lol does that make me a nerd??? But I digress, So things have changed drastically since my last post but I don't feel like addressing them right now. The reason I'm writing this blog is a sort of, pros and cons list if you will. Currently I am conflicted and afflicted by cupid and is misdirected arrows. I saw living_dead on Wednesday, and instantly every emotion in my body came flooding to my head and it was all that I could do to not collapse. I had to rub my freaking temples to keep my head from pounding, he came and sat with me, well with us, because you know my fucking meddler of a parental was the one to call him over to us. Aye Dios Mio! I swear sometimes, I wanna, I just wanna. She sat there drilling him on his engagement and where was his ring, and who was he living with, where does he reside?? Which is actually funny as hell cuz he lives right by the freakin Oriental theater!! OMG, but anyway... He didn't marry his child bride, or at least that's what he told her, I don't know, you know what they say about thoes damn Ojibways. Oh which was another thing, since my mother felt the need to "tell on me" if you will, she let him know how I was not the flower he once knew and all that corny ass intended bullshit. You know what he does, he looks at me and goes, "What is he?" OMG!!! What is he??? What the fuck does it matter, he wasn't you! Like if he wasn't Ojibway then it didn't count, like my involvement with him didn't matter! Shit, I've been busy since him, lol he just doesn't know. lol but that's one thing that makes this hard. When I'm with him, living_dead I feel safe and secure, ironically. He's like the bridge to the sweet girl that I was before he trampled all over my fucking heart. While I was waiting (VIRTUOUSLY, MIND YOU!!) for him to notice me, I was nurturing all these little fantasies about us getting married and having children, he was my freaking Urban Cowboy. It would have been one thing though if I had of just went off on my own and made up these little delusions, but he helped perpetuate them. So for these things I have to hold him accountable for, but he's still him. And I can't deny how safe I feel when he holds me. The other thing that's conflicting me is the fact that I am still hung up on someone else. It is crazy!!! I look at my newest like he said "Like I'm the most awesome thing in the world" lol I don't know. But I think that's what intrigues me about him, every scorpio loves a good challenge, and a good puzzle. One of the alluring things about him is that he doesn't let me know what's going on with him. Unfortunately I am a freakin Scorp through and through so I'm turned on by the mystery and I'm having a hell of a time trying to crack him. lol Not to mention that, even with all the people I have touching me everyday, the molestation, and the hugging, no body, and I mean no body, not even living_dead, can send a chill up my spine like he can when he touches me. I have sat and tried to figure it out, and on some levels I have, I LOVE it when this boy touches me, I haven't the foggest clue why yet but I'm just stating what I know. Its like I can lay next to him and not even have to say anything, there's no need for me, as long as my body is against his I'm fine. So does it mean that it's purely physical? I'm not sure, I know that for a while I wanted more, you know one of my fucked up relationships that I had with Cory!! lol I was gonna try it with him but shit, he was already semi-exclusive with someone else and I just couldn't take the competition. I gotta figure out, well I had to figure out why I cared about the females that he was dealing with on the side, and why I needed to hear his voice in the morning, or why when I hung out with him I just wanted him more...like I said I had to, as in past tense because he's leaving. He'll be outta my life by the end of the summer so I don't have to worry about that stuff anylonger, what happens, happens. It does suck though that at the bottom of all this turmoil I just end up alone at the end, I got a guy with whom I was in love with but now can't even trust completely anymore, A girl who is engaged and still wants to continue being my girlfriend, which really pisses me off but I don't have the heart to tell her so I continue in a realationship that is ultimately doomed, and another guy who drives me off the wall, sets fire to my body, and has me gettin lost in his eyes. YET, all of it is temporary. I don't like commitment but that actually only applies to the things I stay detatched from...I've detatched myself from everyone except from my newest. I've already mentally replaced my girlfriend, yeah with my ex, lol but this time it IS only physical, I know that nothing will be happening between me and living_dead, nothing physical, yeah even after this weekend there was nothing physical, but then again he never had to be physical to get me...he had my heart cuz he knew me. I always figure though, you've got my heart why do you need to be in my panties? lol but that works the other way around too, If you're in my panties what the hell do you need to be in my heart for? And the thing that still mystifys me about my newest is I'm so fucking dizzy and confused by him, I have no clue how the hell he got in my heart. FUCK CUPID, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO FUCKIN BREAK HIS ARROWS MAN, FOR REAL. What a tangled web of young lovers, lol 21st Century Mid Summer nights mixed with a little Much Ado!! lol but I'll live, I guess just another scar to be patched and mended.

Yeah, sure, wutevr....Lilly

For years my friends have been my life. With the bullshit that I have to deal with at home and my crazy ass parentals I need my friends. I hate to sound clingy but the most important person in my life right now is my Beef'n'Cheddar and I feel like we've slipped so far from eachother that she barely knows me anymore. I've always had a friend, one single person who I could share everything with and that knew EVERYTHING there was to know about me, which incase you've forgotten is my love language and the most important thing to me. DON'T BUY ME SHIT, DON'T GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY IF YOU DO NOT KNOW ME!!! My mother doesn't even fucking know me and she knows that shit, she doesn't care either. For a while Cory had taken my baby's place. He knew me like the fucking back of his hand, which is what baffles me about our relationship, he knew me yet he still tried to change me...if I change it will be totally unwillingly and on my fucking own. It'll be like uncontrolable and no one not even myself will have control over the change. I don't know lately I've been looking at myself and relationships, trying to figure out what the hell happens with me while I'm in them...I might expect a little too much of people, but maybe that's because I've been spoiled in the past. I've had the bestfriend who knew everything about me, got into trouble with me, and then stood there with me and lied our ways out of it!! lol * school picnic Beef* lol man that was so stupid. Maybe it's the whole only child thing, but living_dead *formerly my Mili_baby* used to just lay and talk with me while we looked out at the sky or threw shit into the water or whatever he WAS a truly great friend, and since I knew that he didn't want me the way I wanted him I expected him to protect me and be my guardian. I rarely expect that from ANYONE, especially guys, with my issues with my sperm donor of a parental non-figure asshole I have...had...have no problem treating guys like shit, well some guys. Prom was the other day ago on Saturday and I got home on Monday from it. Man it was so much fuckin fun!! I always wanted my prom to be about fun and not romance or anything like that so I never even planned on having a DATE, DATE but when I met my roommate/girlfriend, D.A.D.T. I wanted a romantic prom ever since. Well D.A.D.T. was out of town working towards our future and I was stuck here, but I took my baby with me to prom and it was soo much fun!! Twin_heart and I were fucking pimpin it!! lol she looked good, and I looked fantastic! Hah she walked me around like arm candy all night long and everyone, I mean EVERYONE was just like WTF???!! lol I had my bisexual moments at the prom and them after wards I caught up with my newest. Umm he confuses the shit outta me, I'm all about boytoys and sugardaddies...using men teasing and never fufilling my promises. I NEVER fall victim to peer pressure and ESPECIALLY not dick pressure, but man I've been feeling like...well I've been feeling!! WHAT THE HELL?? This is little shit for everyone else cuz I've truly got some stupid ass friends who fall in love all the damn time and throw the fucking word around like it means nothing, I don't hold it sacred or some shit like that but I've always felt it was for loser ass girls who had no brains and allowed a piece of ass distract them!! Well I'm definately not saying that I'm in love or anything but I'm distracted like fuck and I'm sore than a bitch! lol some of that distraction honestly has to do with the fact that my girlfriend will be comming back soon!! I'm so fucking happy! I miss her so much, lol and dealing with crazy ass over emotional ass girls made me appreciate her. Don't get me wrong I value emotion but there are fucking constructive and brilliant ways of expressing thoes feelings, crying is not one of them. D.A.D.T. on the other hand takes the physically active way of expressing her rage...the ligament snapping route! lol where I on the other hand do it the emo way and write like a million poems and listen to music, I don't cut anymore that was me and my ex. Who I'm friends with now, funny, and D.A.D.T. fucking hates her guts, never even met the poor girl! lol but I guess I like that, someone who's so into me that they don't want some other person (of the same gender mind you)getting my attention and affection. Its cute, but not as deep as knowing me, you've got to know me to get my heart.

Cobwebbs in my ASS!!!

Man you'll never believe how many variations of my sn I had to put in before I actually figured out my account and logged in!!!! lol OMG! The last time I wrote in this journal, shit, well its been a long time. I was dealing with bullshit with "Mili_baby". Yes, my beloved, angelic "Mili_baby" the bastard whose name I was gonna have tattooed to my body. That's slow as hell. Wow, it's kinda funny going back reading all my old ass blogs and seeing how I stressed out about everyting. Well academically I went down the fucking crapper!! lol I went from 3.8's and 3.4's to needing to graduate with at least a 3.0!! This is sad shit here people!! ME!! I can barely believe it myself, I remember all the rigorous, challenging shit I had set out for myself this year and the honor cords I wanted to graduate with, now I think I'm only getting one. Wow that's been my life this past year. I finally did move out, I loved it, I fucked up though and my parental ended up luring me back into moving "home". Yeah home, like I feel comfortable there!! My roommate is now my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend and I are now friends and for the time being I put playing around on hold. I got a guy that I actually like. lol its at times like these that I'm glad none of my friends read this damn thing!! lol cuz I don't date, and even though I like cheezy couple stuff I don't do cheezy couple stuff. He makes me wanna, I don't know I feel like, happy when I'm with him and I think about him a lot. I seriously can't even go a day without talkin' 2 him some kinda way. I've started writing poetry again and anyone who really knows me knows that means one of two things: I'm either pissed off and suicidal again, or I'm inspired by...l...shit I can't even type it. But yeah u know that shit that gives you butterflies and makes your skin flush, that shit. Yeah I'm slow shit.

You think you know people

I just want to say, I hate men, especially the one who I considered to be my bestfriend. I was pretty ok today until I checked my email and then I saw the fucking lines of shit that he left me. I can't stand guys, and I can't stand him! I have so many other things going on in my life currently without having to deal with his childish ass. I've noticed that, everyone I know now that is even a month younger than I am has become a child. LOL I actually think it's quite funny, but with him the phrase fits. Oh, there's shit that I can't even put on my blog, so now I need to tell someone and guess who isn't there! You know what I think I should cut him out of my life, I was thinking about cutting men all together out of my life but then I though that it should be some guy worth while that comes along and breaks my heart that makes me go lesbo. LOL this ass doesn't even have his shit together, and that is totally evolved from what I was saying right after it happened but that's only after continuous repeats of Alanis and a whole shit load of chocolate! lol there's this guy who works @ pick'n'save that I like. Lol and even though that was a funny ass sentence, and I could be sooo shallow about where he works, I'm just thinkin, hey, he's over eighteen, ALTERNATIVE!!! (such a little freakish hottie), and making money. LOL give em a guitar and a motorcycle and he'd be soooo perfect! So yeah even though I'm still in love with the same asshole, and he's still playing games, I'm moving on once more to another guy and I'm gonna treat him like shit... the way I'm being treated, I know it's wrong but hey shit rolls down hill and plus that's what I've been doing this entire time and I haven't found a real flaw in my system yet!